seasons

Looking back on the past four years of my life, I can see different seasons. There are the big defining moments, and also moments that turn into days, weeks, and eventually make up a season. The craziest thing is that these moments can pass by without me even acknowledging a change.

Where am I at in terms of "seasons"? 

Spiritually, I'm in a rebuilding season. The Lord is working on my heart. I ended my junior year looking to the Lord to guide me in my summer. I was led to a second summer at Discipleship Focus. I remember praying for the Lord to challenge me, that I didn't want to be comfortable. Challenge me He did, y'all.  When I prayed to be challenged in the weeks leading up to Dfo, I don't think I understood what that request meant for me. It was a hard summer. I spent a lot of time alone, a lot of time in tears, and I wanted to go home almost every day. Why? I don't really have an answer. I remember being so frustrated with myself, with the Lord, and with those around me. I gave up around week 7. I stopped spending time with the Lord, nor were I seeking the Lord daily. 

When I came back to Cookeville, that changed. I found myself eager to spend time with the Lord. Though still frustrated and unsure of why I was in Cookeville instead of Fall Program, I was looking for direction. It's been a very emotional semester. I could not have imagined what the Lord would have in store for me the past 5 months. I have spent more time in prayer than I believe I ever have. The saying "falling on your knees in prayer" rang so true. I have spend hours in my room in tears on the floor praying for my community, my high school friends, and myself. I have felt the pain and heart break of others like it was my own.

The Lord has been teaching me a lot about myself, where my heart is, and what it means to love others. I feel like I am always failing. I am not and will never be good enough. This is a struggle I learn daily. I could write for days about my struggles, where the Lord is meeting me, and the never ending stream of questions I have about how and why things are the way they are. The only thing that I can find comfort in is the truth that throughout all of this; God has me where I am meant to be. 

All of this, this is His plan. Something far greater than I.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28