seasons

Looking back on the past four years of my life, I can see different seasons. There are the big defining moments, and also moments that turn into days, weeks, and eventually make up a season. The craziest thing is that these moments can pass by without me even acknowledging a change.

Where am I at in terms of "seasons"? 

Spiritually, I'm in a rebuilding season. The Lord is working on my heart. I ended my junior year looking to the Lord to guide me in my summer. I was led to a second summer at Discipleship Focus. I remember praying for the Lord to challenge me, that I didn't want to be comfortable. Challenge me He did, y'all.  When I prayed to be challenged in the weeks leading up to Dfo, I don't think I understood what that request meant for me. It was a hard summer. I spent a lot of time alone, a lot of time in tears, and I wanted to go home almost every day. Why? I don't really have an answer. I remember being so frustrated with myself, with the Lord, and with those around me. I gave up around week 7. I stopped spending time with the Lord, nor were I seeking the Lord daily. 

When I came back to Cookeville, that changed. I found myself eager to spend time with the Lord. Though still frustrated and unsure of why I was in Cookeville instead of Fall Program, I was looking for direction. It's been a very emotional semester. I could not have imagined what the Lord would have in store for me the past 5 months. I have spent more time in prayer than I believe I ever have. The saying "falling on your knees in prayer" rang so true. I have spend hours in my room in tears on the floor praying for my community, my high school friends, and myself. I have felt the pain and heart break of others like it was my own.

The Lord has been teaching me a lot about myself, where my heart is, and what it means to love others. I feel like I am always failing. I am not and will never be good enough. This is a struggle I learn daily. I could write for days about my struggles, where the Lord is meeting me, and the never ending stream of questions I have about how and why things are the way they are. The only thing that I can find comfort in is the truth that throughout all of this; God has me where I am meant to be. 

All of this, this is His plan. Something far greater than I.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

emotion

Lately, I feel like I am full of emotion, which is SO unlike me naturally. I hide my feelings; it's my go-to reaction. The smallest things had driven me crazy lately. I feel so out of place in my own home. My roommates make comments about my distance, but I don't want to close the distance. I don't have the desire to be around them. I feel left out and hurt. I don't understand where that is coming from. I am so full of fear. I am fearful of where I stand in relationships with my friends. I am fearful of where I stand in ministry. I feel like I have spent the past three years of ministry being overshadowed. Nothing I can do is as good as what others do. I am hurt. I don't understand where these emotions are coming from, or why they have surfaced now. In saying all of this, the Lord is good. He has continually brought me back to Him. Through these struggles, I have found peace in Him. The emotions haven't disappeared, but I know there will be light in them. When journaling a couple days ago I remember writing this sentence: Conform me to You; use my struggles to reveal Your goodness. I echo that here. I want to be conformed to the image of Christ. I really do. Life is hard, but God's purpose is greater.

beauty in the struggle

I could write for hours about the struggles of life. Life as a Christian, life as a student, life as a leader. There are so many continuous struggles during the daily lives of those I am surrounded with and myself. Continually, we find the most joy in the smallest things. 

It becomes so easy to avoid my struggles and throw myself into things with an unstoppable fervor.
In the past, I have ran to drinking and partying, I have ran to people. I have thrown myself into ministry as a Young Life leader. This time, Jesus come. I need you more than ever. This community needs you more than ever. 

I want more of you Jesus, pour it out. 

You are good, Lord. You are the only good thing in this life. Come sweet Jesus.

Life this pain from our hearts. Fill us with Your love. Embrace us with Your goodness Lord.

Jesus come. 

learning.

After spending a lot of time in prayer, I applied for fall program several weeks ago. I felt a tug on my heart that I was meant to be there this fall. Yesterday, I found out that I wasn't accepted. At first I was hurt and frustrated, because I had stepped out on a limb and came back with rejection.

But then after spending sweet time with Jesus and having a conversation with a high school friend, I realized what that was. That was God leading me and me following. Just because He led me to apply for fall program doesn't mean that is where he wanted me. How sweet it was to be able to tell my high school friend that I was coming home because God wasn't calling me to live in Pigeon Forge this fall, but that he had called me to apply to teach me how to trust in Him and be willing to follow His leading. 

What an example! I am praising Jesus so much for using me as an example to my sweet friends. I cannot imagine where I would be without Young Life and cannot wait to spend another year leading. 

To think a year and a half ago I was ready to throw in the towel on Young Life and to live my own life, my way is an incredible testament of God's faithfulness and goodness in my life. 

I can truly say I am SO BLESSED.

dfo 2013

The Lord has been challenging me so much these past 9 weeks here. It has been HARD. For me, dfo was a "safe place" in my relationship with the Lord, and just in my life in general. I found such good community here last summer when I was at such a hard place in my life and in my relationship with the Lord.
This summer, life has been much different. I've searched for community and just seem to keep missing it. I spend a lot of time alone, and if you know me, I HATE being alone. I've really struggled with that my whole life and I think God decided it was time to work on my heart in that.
I'm still struggling a lot with my decision to come to DFO this summer. God took away the "safe place" feeling and it just isn't the same. I'm not understanding why I'm here or what I'm supposed to be learning from the things that are going on in my life right now, but all I can do is lean on Jesus.
I don't like being dependent on anyone but myself, but God is making me desperately dependent upon Him.

scared.

I think it just hit me how much of a challenge these next couple weeks will be. The excitement of everything just started to give way to nervousness. I was and still am so excited to be a cabin coordinator this summer.

But this summer is different. I need to leave my expectations in Cookeville, because I know when I get to Pigeon Forge it won't be the same. And that is a scary thought. For someone who hates change, this is a heck of a change. And I am running head first towards it. 

Lifeguarding? WHAT THE HECK was I thinking? That test might kill me. I am not in shape at all. God is sovereign. 

I am praying for God to direct my summer in his way, not mine. 

But before I can get to DFO, I have to get through a week of Young Life camp. Don't get my wrong, I am so glad two sweet high school friends are going to camp. I am so excited for them and everything they will experience. I know God will work in their hearts during this week. 

But on the leader side, it will be challenging. I am asking the Lord to pray for me in that.

Friends, please pray for all the upcoming challenges in my life. Pray that I will turn to Jesus when it is hard, and not to this world. 

loving others.

Lately, I've felt God challenging me to look at how I love others.

I seldom show anger towards anyone I care about. However, I think God wants more than that from us. 

Think about the car that cuts you off and almost causes you to hit them. You might not flip them off or yell at them, etc. But if you are like me, your heart isn't right towards them. Someone you don't even know. 

Or maybe you come in contact with a particularly unpleasant person at work. How do you act? Do you think hurtful thoughts towards them since you have to remain calm in the workplace? Then later go vent about it to friends or family?

Yeah. We've ALL been there. I am SO guilty of this. 

SO I'm challenging myself and you, STOP. 

Jesus calls us to love others as he would. How's your heart lately?

life lately

Some PTL's:

I have a place to live next year. I have a place to LIVE next year. I HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE NEXT YEAR. I was scared to death I would be homeless coming back from DFO.  God is so awesome.

I have been working out and am now down 6 pounds. Clothes are fitting better. #holla

If you really knew me, you would know I used to have HORRIBLE nightmares. Basically replaying a dark, hurtful night in my life. I haven't had one in MONTHS. Seriously, this is so cliche, but let go, and let God. He took them from me. 

Community. I have really felt awesome community lately. 

Overall, this semester has passed by super quickly. Time flies when your having fun.

School is school. Boring, not fun, and lots of work. But at least I'm IN school. 

In just a few short weeks I will be taking some AWESOME girls to camp, then heading to PFO for DFO round 2. #holla 

Can you say excited?

God is good and doing great things. Looking forward to what is in store for me in the upcoming months!

a time for change

Spring always brings about change. The weather gets warmer, the trees grow new leaves, and flowers begin to bloom. It also brings about change in life. Friends say goodbye, people begin to part ways for the summer, knowing they will return to be back to this community we treasure after spending a couple months going on adventures that could only be orchestrated by the hand of God.

The past few days have been gorgeous. The sunshine just has everyone in better spirits. Community feels closer.
God has just worked his timing so perfectly to get me excited for the summer.

This time last year, I wasn't so excited. I wasn't following Christ. I was following my own desires. I can honestly say I am SO much happier now. My joy is lasting, and comes from Christ and the beautiful encouraging friends he placed along this journey.

Saying that, I am giving all my worries, fears, and expectations about this summer to God. If He wants me at DFO this year, it'll all work out. Everything will be okay. I am trusting God with that.

feelings.

I've got em.

So many different feelings running through my head right now.
First of all, I found out today that my mom died. To me, this isn't as big of a deal as it may seem to others. My mom gave me away when I was a baby. She never cared about me. I guess what I'm feeling most of all is shock. And anger. I will never get the chance to say the things I've been needed to say to her all my life. I honestly don't know how that will affect me in the future.

Then, today the facebook group for DFO 2013 was started, and I have such mixed emotion. I'm SO excited to be back at DFO, but there are very few returnees, and I'm scared of what the summer will look like for me. I am in a completely different place in life then I was last year. I just pray God will use my summer at DFO in great ways.

Last, but never the least, I am STRESSED to the max. I am working a TON, and trying to find time for work, school, younglife, working out, and eating healthy. Each of those things take a large amount of time, and it's hard to find time to devote to each without losing time in my day. I pray that God will give me the time to do the things I need to get done.

unloved?

If you know me, you know one of my biggest struggles is not feeling wanted.
The smallest of things, unnoticed by others, can leave me a wreck.
I volunteer to help my roommate with something, and she says she doesn't need help but then someone else comes over and helps. It was a polite offer mostly, but my head immediately tells me I was refused because I wasn't good enough, not wanted.
So many little, unimportant things like that leave me in my room crying.
I have questioned myself over and over, why is this?

I haven't presented it to God. And I have wondered why is it so hard for me to do that?
Because I haven't presented my past family life to God. I keep waiting for God to heal my heart from the things that happened to me when I was little, but he hasn't because I haven't given him opportunity.

My mother gave me away when I was a baby. I wasn't wanted.
My dad wanted a boy. I wasn't wanted.

My dad let his ex-wife molest me and when I, at three years old, told him about it, he said I was lying and making it up. He wanted his ex-wife more than he did me.

I like to brush it under a rug and pretend it is all okay, when in reality, its not. It won't be until I can forgive them. I have so much hatred towards my parents. I have never given that up though I like to pretend I have.

I have wished many times that I were born into a different life, different family. One that cared and loved me.

My feelings of never being good enough, being unloved and wanted, I believe stem from my parents. Until I let God have that, they'll always be there.

pressure.

I feel so many pressures to be the best.
To be perfect.
To make good grades.
To lose weight.
To be "mature" in my faith.
To say the right things.
To be the best YL leader.
To be good enough. 

Sometimes I put this pressure on myself.
Other times others pressure me, often without even knowing it.

I feel like I have so much to live up to. I set impossible standards for myself last year when I made my mistakes. I still get judged for those things. My friends who don't know what was going on in my life last year make judgements about me based on things they may or may not know the truth about.

I'm not that person anymore. I say no repeatedly when temptations arise. I have worked so hard the past few months to change how people see me. But nothing I do matters.
No matter how "good" I am, it won't matter. People will always talk.

I am so tired of the pressure to live up to someone else's standards.
If I ask a question, I am belittled. If I say something wrong, I am made fun of. If I eat something unhealthy, I'm criticized.

I'm just not good enough.

Lord, please take away the pressure for me to perform well for others. I am Your daughter Lord, and nothing else matters. I can't keep doing it. Give me peace about all the things going on in my life Lord. And ultimately, remind me that You are God, and You are greater than my mistakes.

small group

Or we could say lack of.

I want a small group. I have never really had a small group since being in college.

I want a group of girls that I trust to share my heart with.

So, if you know of one, hit ya girl up.

On another note, I have talk Monday at young life, so say a prayer.

-C

these are a few of my favorite things..

My new MacBook Pro

Tanning. 

Pedicures with Grammy. 

This new candle. 

This scarf. 

And those are some of the things I am LOVING right now. 

grace.

Today, I am thankful for God's grace. I continually mess up. I never feel like I am good enough. I am lacking in so many ways.

I'm not pretty enough.
I need to lose weight. 
I'm not smart enough. 
I don't have the most young life girls. 
I don't fit in like others do. 
I'm not good enough. 

I could go on and on about all the ways I fall short.

Though I see all my faults, God doesn't. God sees his wounded, hurt, fragile child. He is my father. He fights for me. He desires my attention and my love.

"Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness."..."
 -2nd Corinthians 12:8


"God's grace exists to point people to a love like no other love they have ever known."

So thankful for a Father who loves unconditionally.

called.

Never in my life have I felt more called to young life than these past few months. I have gotten more frustrated at my girls than ever before. Thinking about some of them brings me to tears. I honestly couldn't imagine my life without being a leader and hanging out with these girls. 

One of the hardest things about the ministry to me is willing taking a backseat. Texting a girl about plans and instead of making plans having the response be "I'll have to see what I have going on." I LOVE being a kinda person who can just pick up and do something with a friend, but when it comes to Young Life, that means going to Sparta most of the time, which isn't so easy. 

So I like to have plans. But they like to see what everyone else is doing first. Totally understandable. But so frustrating. After having this happen, I came across this: 

"The fundamental building blocks of the kingdom are relationships. Not programs, systems, or productivity. But inconvenient, time-consuming, intrusive relationships. The kingdom is built on personal involvements that disrupt schedules and drain energy."

WOW. So great. I love how God always knows what I need to hear. 

young life

Young Life is a ministry that goes into high schools and befriends kids in order to show them the love of Jesus. I've been a young life leader for 2 years now. It's been a hard, trying two years. This time last year I couldn't wait for my two year mark to come so that I could be done. 

Now that it has come, I don't want to do anything except love those girls. 

My first campaigners of the semester was today, and it has left so much on my heart. Just the things they said, and the questions they answered as part of the lesson show just how much they want to be loved.  

I would love to say they need me, but they don't. They need Jesus. I am the one who has the privilege to hang out with them, but Jesus could reach them without me. 

So blessed to be able to serve on a team at White County High School with sweet friends who love the Lord and want to share that love with high school friends. 

enough.

 "The greatest news of all is that God is with His people, that He is truly present. What greater ministry then, can be practiced than a ministry that reflects this divine presence?"  -Gracias! by Henri J.M. Nouwen

 

One of the things I have discovered about my self is that I am a performer to no end. I am a people pleaser and constantly feel like I have to perform: to be the best at everything. When I place too much upon myself, I fail. When I start listening to the voices telling me to perform, I stop listening to God. 

At that point, whatever happens isn't bringing glory to God. 

Let me explain how my brain works. 

Let's start out with what I call abiding. I will feel great about where I am in my walk with the Lord. I will feel good about my friendships with high school girls and where He is leading those relationships. Then, I will go a day or two without having time with God. I'll see something on facebook, or hear a comment said by a friend, and all of a sudden, my performance nature will kick in. I get the feeling like I'm not good enough. 

I feel like I am not good enough as I am. Not good enough for God to use me in the lives of high school girls. Not good enough to be wanted in my group of friends. I feel like a disappointment to those around me. I feel a need to change. 

Then I start doing things of myself, and not of the Lord. Whereas when I am abiding in what He wants for me, I do things as He leads. 

Pray for me friends, as I need to always remember that as a child of God, I am enough to do as he calls. 

"The one who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” Then he said, “Write these words down, for they are trustworthy and true.”

-Revelation 21:5

In Christ I am made new. Such a comforting thought.