I've got em.
So many different feelings running through my head right now.
First of all, I found out today that my mom died. To me, this isn't as big of a deal as it may seem to others. My mom gave me away when I was a baby. She never cared about me. I guess what I'm feeling most of all is shock. And anger. I will never get the chance to say the things I've been needed to say to her all my life. I honestly don't know how that will affect me in the future.
Then, today the facebook group for DFO 2013 was started, and I have such mixed emotion. I'm SO excited to be back at DFO, but there are very few returnees, and I'm scared of what the summer will look like for me. I am in a completely different place in life then I was last year. I just pray God will use my summer at DFO in great ways.
Last, but never the least, I am STRESSED to the max. I am working a TON, and trying to find time for work, school, younglife, working out, and eating healthy. Each of those things take a large amount of time, and it's hard to find time to devote to each without losing time in my day. I pray that God will give me the time to do the things I need to get done.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
unloved?
If you know me, you know one of my biggest struggles is not feeling wanted.
The smallest of things, unnoticed by others, can leave me a wreck.
I volunteer to help my roommate with something, and she says she doesn't need help but then someone else comes over and helps. It was a polite offer mostly, but my head immediately tells me I was refused because I wasn't good enough, not wanted.
So many little, unimportant things like that leave me in my room crying.
I have questioned myself over and over, why is this?
I haven't presented it to God. And I have wondered why is it so hard for me to do that?
Because I haven't presented my past family life to God. I keep waiting for God to heal my heart from the things that happened to me when I was little, but he hasn't because I haven't given him opportunity.
My mother gave me away when I was a baby. I wasn't wanted.
My dad wanted a boy. I wasn't wanted.
My dad let his ex-wife molest me and when I, at three years old, told him about it, he said I was lying and making it up. He wanted his ex-wife more than he did me.
I like to brush it under a rug and pretend it is all okay, when in reality, its not. It won't be until I can forgive them. I have so much hatred towards my parents. I have never given that up though I like to pretend I have.
I have wished many times that I were born into a different life, different family. One that cared and loved me.
My feelings of never being good enough, being unloved and wanted, I believe stem from my parents. Until I let God have that, they'll always be there.
The smallest of things, unnoticed by others, can leave me a wreck.
I volunteer to help my roommate with something, and she says she doesn't need help but then someone else comes over and helps. It was a polite offer mostly, but my head immediately tells me I was refused because I wasn't good enough, not wanted.
So many little, unimportant things like that leave me in my room crying.
I have questioned myself over and over, why is this?
I haven't presented it to God. And I have wondered why is it so hard for me to do that?
Because I haven't presented my past family life to God. I keep waiting for God to heal my heart from the things that happened to me when I was little, but he hasn't because I haven't given him opportunity.
My mother gave me away when I was a baby. I wasn't wanted.
My dad wanted a boy. I wasn't wanted.
My dad let his ex-wife molest me and when I, at three years old, told him about it, he said I was lying and making it up. He wanted his ex-wife more than he did me.
I like to brush it under a rug and pretend it is all okay, when in reality, its not. It won't be until I can forgive them. I have so much hatred towards my parents. I have never given that up though I like to pretend I have.
I have wished many times that I were born into a different life, different family. One that cared and loved me.
My feelings of never being good enough, being unloved and wanted, I believe stem from my parents. Until I let God have that, they'll always be there.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
pressure.
I feel so many pressures to be the best.
To be perfect.
To make good grades.
To lose weight.
To be "mature" in my faith.
To say the right things.
To be the best YL leader.
To be good enough.
Sometimes I put this pressure on myself.
Other times others pressure me, often without even knowing it.
I feel like I have so much to live up to. I set impossible standards for myself last year when I made my mistakes. I still get judged for those things. My friends who don't know what was going on in my life last year make judgements about me based on things they may or may not know the truth about.
I'm not that person anymore. I say no repeatedly when temptations arise. I have worked so hard the past few months to change how people see me. But nothing I do matters.
No matter how "good" I am, it won't matter. People will always talk.
I am so tired of the pressure to live up to someone else's standards.
If I ask a question, I am belittled. If I say something wrong, I am made fun of. If I eat something unhealthy, I'm criticized.
I'm just not good enough.
Lord, please take away the pressure for me to perform well for others. I am Your daughter Lord, and nothing else matters. I can't keep doing it. Give me peace about all the things going on in my life Lord. And ultimately, remind me that You are God, and You are greater than my mistakes.
To be perfect.
To make good grades.
To lose weight.
To be "mature" in my faith.
To say the right things.
To be the best YL leader.
To be good enough.
Sometimes I put this pressure on myself.
Other times others pressure me, often without even knowing it.
I feel like I have so much to live up to. I set impossible standards for myself last year when I made my mistakes. I still get judged for those things. My friends who don't know what was going on in my life last year make judgements about me based on things they may or may not know the truth about.
I'm not that person anymore. I say no repeatedly when temptations arise. I have worked so hard the past few months to change how people see me. But nothing I do matters.
No matter how "good" I am, it won't matter. People will always talk.
I am so tired of the pressure to live up to someone else's standards.
If I ask a question, I am belittled. If I say something wrong, I am made fun of. If I eat something unhealthy, I'm criticized.
I'm just not good enough.
Lord, please take away the pressure for me to perform well for others. I am Your daughter Lord, and nothing else matters. I can't keep doing it. Give me peace about all the things going on in my life Lord. And ultimately, remind me that You are God, and You are greater than my mistakes.
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